I’m sick of it. Not only that, but I’m tired of it.
While driving through my favorite part of Spokane, the red light district of Sprague Avenue, where all my porn needs are met with just one quick stroll around the block, I saw a sign that, being from Seattle where they actually take care of their streets, killed me, though not literally.
“Go M’s,” it read.
Since it was nighttime, I whipped out my Pee Wee Herman and covered as much of the sign with my urine as possible. Though it was a typical Spokane spring night, which means it was snowing, I still walked away feeling warm inside for doing such a good deed. I did feel a little guilty because of my actions, because some poor sap will eventually have to change the sign to “Go Zags” when the Mariners lose to the Yankees in the playoffs again.
That got me to thinking. Step back now.
After hours of deliberation, I decided that Spokane desperately needs to get its own Major League Baseball expansion team and not only get rid of its racist title bearing double-A team, but step off Seattle’s coattails. If Gandhi were their mascot, I could understand a name like “The Indians”. As it is, they’re perpetuating a misnomer that the great Chris Columbus began when he “discovered” America, which he thought was India. What your high school teachers don’t tell you is that Columbus believed he had found a passage to India until his dying day.
My first course of action was to come up with at least an idea of how this team could best represent Spokane. My first hit of inspiration was what Spokane could call its new team. The name that is the most viable, I believe, is the “Spokane Gonzagas.” The name that ran a close second is the “Spokane Bloomies,” but nobody really pays attention to Bloomsday outside of Spokane and Kenya.
With the name of Spokane’s expansion team out of the way I set about designing a logo and a mascot for the new team. This was much harder than coming up with a name because I don’t really draw at all except making a bunch of squiggly lines. However, after a couple days of work, the mass of squiggles finally began to take shape, and I knew right away that I had hit upon the best pictorial representation of Spokane. What eventually took shape was a chubby, androgynous white 10- year-old with a mullet and two front teeth missing because of malnutrition from its parent’s meth habit. It’s either that or a picture of the Spokane River with a bunch of trash from Kaiser Aluminum floating in it.
With the hardest part of bringing a team to Spokane over with, I decided I would have to take my idea to the streets. I polled 100 people at random, 51 of them being women since they are a majority. Out of these people, 92 of them thought a major league team in Spokane was a terrible idea, especially in light of the logo I had drawn. The other eight were a bunch of drunken college students in a bar who thought it was a great idea.
Coming from Seattle, where they tear down and build stadiums while raising taxes without the people’s permission, I know that eight out of 100 people is considered a majority in most democratic circles.
So, watch out, Spokane. The Gonzagas may be coming soon.
All I need to do now is find some funding. Paul Allen won’t do it, and neither with Bill Gates. Next on my list? The Saudi Arabian government, who is trying to improve their image with America at any cost.