This summer, moviegoers will be treated to a J. Lo butt load ofcinematic gold. From arachnid vigilantes to pubescent Britishwizards, the best and the brightest of Hollywood will be showcasedthis season.
Then there’s all the other ones. This quasi-comprehensive guidewill warn you of the proverbial “cream of the crap.”
Here’s a titillating recipe: combine the racial stereotyping ofSoul Man with the gender-bending hilarity of Sorority Boys, add apinch of the Wayans Brothers, set on frappe and you got yourselfthe ghastly smoothie of doom that is White Chicks. From the peoplewho made and ruined the Scary Movie franchise comes this hour and ahalf long Chris Rock joke about two F.B.I. agents (Shawn and MarlonWayans) who are forced to pose as Caucasian hotel heiresses similarto the Hilton sisters. Expect the girls to get “down” in a no-doubtriveting breakdance number and don’t be surprised if you hear anold, stuffy, upper-crust woman too reluctantly utter, “fo’shizzle.” White Chicks is sure to make Big Momma’s House look likeThe House of Sand and Fog.
Jamie Foxx plays a failed comedy writer/cab driver who discoversthat the man he’s been carting around all day (played by TomCruise) is a contract killer. Now it’s up to Foxx to stop him…’nuff said.
Patience Phillips (Halle Berry) is a shy graphic designer for arather large cosmetics corporation. When she discovers a darksecret about said corporation, she gets off’ed. But luckily, withthe help of a magical cat, introverted Patience becomes the fierce,agile and seductive Catwoman. Now it’s up to her to bring the evilcosmetics company to its knees.
Is it just me, or does this plot sound more hair-brained thanBrando on Atkins?
Berry is obviously a fan of playing superheroes as she takes therole of this nine-lived crimefighter in this Batman offshoot. WhileOscar-winner Berry has a definite screen presence, sexy acrobaticscannot sustain interest in this movie. Hell, just look at TombRaider.
Expect to see leather-clad Berry prancing around shattering maleegos like a feline dominatrix.Also, don’t be surprised to hear atleast one “pussy” joke in the film.
Dodgeball: a True Underdog Story
The “underdog sports team” movie has been done time and time again,tweaked each time to produce stinkers ranging from Air Bud toBreakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. This time around, it focuses on asport that wee tykes play when the gym teacher won’t let them screwaround with the big parachute. Dodgeball stars Vince Vaughn as aJoe Everyman who is on the verge of losing his favorite local gym.In order to save it, he forms a dodgeball team that has to goagainst the likes of Ben “See, I don’t always have to play thestraight man” Stiller, the pituitary-driven leader of a rival teamsponsored by a huge fitness corporation. Expect wacky lacklustertraining montages and an ending that’s only surprise is how muchtheater Whoppers cost these days.
Americas’ favorite gluttonous, lovable, fat cat is making his leapto the big screen. No, not Ted Kennedy, Garfield. You rememberGarfield. The chubby tabby whose comic strip used to be funny whenyou were 10, but now you just glance at while looking for”Foxtrot.” Well, the orange one’s back and getting a revampedimage, using the same 3-D technology used to bring Scooby Doo to …okay, bad example. The point is a computer-animated Garfield isimmersed in a live action world, which makes him, especially whencompared to the live-action animals in the film, look like aSpielberg-friendly extraterrestrial. The only saving grace is thatGarfield is being voiced by Bill Murray. This is a great choice,provided he isn’t a jerk like he was at the Oscars.