Unless you like to mail pipe bombs off to unsuspecting federal workers or you smell, chances are you’ll probably have a roommate for this upcoming school year. Most college students have spent the bulk of their life living with their parents and siblings, which can sometimes be hairy but nothing compared to living with a complete stranger or even a close friend.
To make your life a little bit easier, Eagle Chow is laying down some important roommate tips to ensure that you won’t be strangling your flatmate by the end of the year.
1. Don’t walk around naked
It’s just a bad idea, no matter how hot you may think you are. This just opens a whole can of awkwardness that would make the Kanye West ordeal look like a bake sale. Your roommate may want to become friends with you, but they sure as hell don’t want to see you naked. So do yourself a favor and shut your door when you change and make sure you have a towel on when you get out of the shower.
2. Don’t have sex on the couch
Since the couch will probably be the central social area for most events at your domicile, don’t defile it by baby-making on it. Plus, there’s also a big chance that your roommate might walk in on you doing the deed. Just do it in the bedroom, but make sure the windows are closed because if your roommate decides to have a smoke outside they probably don’t want to hear your dirty sex talk.
3. Don’t talk on the phone with your significant other more than ten minutes
Admit it, when you talk with your boyfriend or girlfriend, you sound like a complete idiot. You pretty much sit there with the phone going “I love you. No I love you.” Nobody is going to put up with that for more than ten minutes. Just send a sappy email or refer to tip #2.
No explanation needed.
5. Don’t be a TV dictator
Nobody wants to watch Fox News, period, much less for six hours in a row. Compromise with your roommie, and instigate the “ROOMMATE TELEVISION DRAFT” where you can work out the time periods that each of you has control of the remote.
6. If you play an instrument, play it outside or when your roommates are gone
Roommates don’t care if you can play the flute, they really don’t. Any loud instrumental music, no matter how good it is, can drive a perfectly sane person to cut you up into little pieces and bury you out back. Suppress your musical urges to when your roommates aren’t around, or just go outside.
Refer to tip # 4.
8. Don’t let your parents stay over
Nothing is more awkward than meeting your roommate’s parents, because they instantly try to size you up and judge your character like some sort of perverted version of The People’s Court. Nothing is worse than that, except for having your parents stay over for the night. Given more than a couple hours in an apartment, parents can find anything, no matter how expertly hidden it is.
They’ll find about all the little secret vices that you and your roommate have, like the Furby shrine in the closet and the full-sized William Shatner wax figure shoved under the couch.
9. Don’t use your roomate’s George Foreman Grill to dry your socks
It leaves a raunchy smell for weeks. Stick with the deep fat fryer.
10. Put the toilet seat in the original position that you found it
11. Don’t put your grandma’s vanity in the middle of the hallway
Sure it may be eighty-years- old and hold a whole lot of sentimental value, but don’t clutter your apartment with pointless furniture. Although, one exception to this rule is the mini-bar.
12. Make it so the majority of your vocabulary isn’t Napoleon Dynamite quotes
It was a funny movie, I’ll give you that, but everyone and their pet gnome have heard “Uhh! Freakin Idiot!” It’s NOT funny anymore. Neither are those Vote for Pedro shirts-. neither are tots. Get a life, start writing poetry and stop quoting Napoleon Dynamite.
13. Quote Anchorman regularly
Long live Will Ferrell.
14. Always make sure there’s toilet paper on the roll
15. Keep the AC/DC to a bare minimum
Nothing is worse than a roommate that listens to AC/DC
constantly. AC/DC can be played at:
-George W. Bush’s funeral
And that’s it.
16. Don’t wear your roommate’s clothes to fool their significant other
This isn’t Single White Female. That’s just scary.
17. Don’t take your roommate’s Twinkies
Twinkies are sacred property, do not take a Twinkie from your roommate without asking. They will probably kill you with a rock or something-
18. Curb the flatulence
Don’t make it sound like you have a wookie village in your rear. When people start staying away from your house because of Clean Air Act infractions, you have serious problems.
19. Don’t use your roommate’s inhaler as a bong
Drug use is bad. Taking away your roommate’s ability to breathe is much worse.
20. And most importantly, flush!