“Guys are just into getting a piece instead of a relationship.”
How many times have we heard that line? It has to be more times than we’ve seen Star Wars, and that’s saying a lot because us guys love our Star Wars. It’s an incredible trump card; we really can’t deny it because around roughly 99.8 percent of the time, it’s true.
Seriously, that’s it. It’s 99.8 percent of the time. I think that is because the other .2 percent are either too drunk to make a move or unable to reproduce. Nobody is immune to the “getting a piece.”
And I mean nobody, not your boyfriend, not your best guy friend, not your male barista friend, not even the uber-Christian dude. Why else do you think he has a guitar and a Jesus beard?
Which, by the way, consider all the guys in Christian groups on campus that HAVE guitars and Jesus beards and it’s really shocking how many of them want to perform “Bible studies” if you catch my drift.
So now that I have established that the “getting a piece” is pretty much an inevitability as opposed to an exception or an occurrence, I’m not going to defend, deny or encourage that statement. I’m going to assume that everyone accepts it and that we move on to a much more interesting piece of information.
When trying to “get a piece” goes absolutely wrong, it usually starts with a ridiculous pickup line such as:
“Man it’s hot in here; want to take off our clothes?”
“Mind if I get in your pants?”
“Some people call me Jack Bauer because I can go for 24 hours.”
Yeah, I know, pretty ugly stuff. But must I remind you that when a guy is trying to get a piece alcohol is probably involved and the decision making process is not originating from the brain. Although, I have to say, the Jack Bauer line is a real ringer.
Now let’s move on to the second phase after the pickup line. This skips the entire getting to know the person you’re hitting on and goes straight into the desperate admittance of love:
“I think we have something really good going here, I think this was destiny.”
“I’ve never felt this way around anyone else.”
“You’re greater than Kiefer Sutherland. I love you!”
Again, the 24 reference may work, but chances are, the guy is probably already dribbling beer all over his shirt, slurring his speech like Oprah after her fatty medication and leering over this girl like Michael Jackson in a preschool.
In other words, they’re creeping this girl out big time.
So once these ingredients for a bad pickup have been established, there are usually three results:
– The girl proceeds to kick the guy in the balls, and walks off with Rodney Stuckey who looks down at the guy and goes, “Ooooh, you got jacked.”
– The girl snuffs off the pickup attempt onto her non-attractive friend, who we can officially call “the guy net” which is essentially a female whose sole purpose is to protect the purity of her hot friend. She will either beat the hell out of the guy herself (because she’s slightly smaller than The Undertaker) or she’ll take a bullet and randomly hook up with this guy because she, too, wants a piece.
– The girl isn’t attractive in the first place and immediately is receptive to the advances of the guy.
Notice that with all these possibilities, never is “hook up with hot girl and get a piece” a result. So people should be inclined to know that while guys may want to get a piece, they almost never do.
Unless he is Jack Bauer- he can have any woman he wants.