“God, this movie sucked,” my friend said to me as we left our seats after watching Spider-man 3. And he wasn’t wrong, either.
The third (and most expensive) installment of the Spider-man franchise has the same characters, with the same love triangles, and the same bland villains (with the exception of Venom, who’s actually pretty cool).
Director Sam Raimi seems to know we’ll figure this out, so he tries to throw in as many new characters and villains as possible. But that doesn’t make the storyline fresher, it makes it confusing. Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) seems to be in a good place. The love of his life, Mary Jane (Kirsten Dunst), knows about him being Spiderman and is totally supportive.
He’s doing well in school, he’s enjoying his job as a photographer for the paper… his life is happy and stable enough to ask Mary Jane to marry him.
Unfortunately his life really isn’t that stable-Harry Osborne (James Franco) is intent on destroying him, a creepy black thingie from space has attached itself to him and is changing his appearance and personality, the man who killed his uncle (Thomas Haden Church) has broken out of jail AND has superpowers, too. The very beautiful and intelligent Gwen Stacy (Bryce Dallas Howard) has her sights set on Peter and Mary Jane knows it. His job is in jeopardy because of new hotshot photographer Eddie Brock (Topher Grace) who’s also dating Gwen Stacy and doesn’t like the attention she’s giving Pete… and what could be deemed the worst of it all, Mary Jane just isn’t that happy being Spiderman’s girlfriend. Three villains, three love triangles, and what seems like 15 different storylines. It’s hard for a movie to have so much stuff going on, and yet be able to bore the crap out of the audience, and yet, Spider-man 3 definitely achieves that.
First of all, the main reason none of these characters are very compelling is none of them are very sympathetic. And don’t get me started on Emo-Peter. He is one of the emo-iest things I’ve ever seen on screen, he’s a sulky, brooding, tall-dark-and-handsome wannabe, and it shows.
Even Emo-Spiderman spends more time sitting on rooftops thinking about pain and other emo topics as opposed to saving people. Eddie Brock was one of the few highlights of the film, and that’s only because his character is a pompous little jerk.
You know, I should have realized how bad this movie was going to be when I saw the trailer’s really long shot of Spiderman standing stoically against a backdrop of the American flag.
If they’re going to put something that clichÃ©-ingly corny in the trailer, then you know the actual movie is going to be bad.