Having learned from previous successes like their “super-realistic, 3-dimensional, Virtual Boy,” Nintendo has taken the next logical leap in gaming: Wii Fitness. The Wii Fitness is similar to one of those plastic stair masters, except this one lets you interact with a TV, kind of like a Game Boy version of thumb wrestling. Undoubtedly, Nintendo’s newest excuse for those who feel actual movement to be a little too cumbersome, will line up in droves to get their hands on this year’s version of 3-minute abs. After all, people love the feeling of being active and getting into shape without having to expend energy or leave the couch.
What will Nintendo think of next? Well, we here at The Easterner decided to ask the gizmo gurus at Nintendo what they had brewing.
Wii “Virtual Lay.” No, this isn’t a new way to meet girls online, unless the girls you like to meet are animated with big white eyes and a fox tail. “Virtual Lay” will allow you to create an avatar of yourself to mingle in a virtual cornucopia of online sexual deviants all with the intent of making you jiggle for love. Some see this as the end of sexual relations with real people as we know it, as the “Virtual Lay” will make tedious post-sex chores like cuddling, showers or plotting your escape, meaningless.
“Wii Cook.” Ever wanted to have the experience of cooking without ever actually having to turn on the oven? “Wii Cook” will come with life-size peripherals like a stove, microwave and dishwasher. Now you’ll be able to cook food on your TV that you can upload to saved characters on other games. Make your virtual pet a treat, or replenish their energy by feeding your sexually-satisfied avatar. Critics of “Wii Cook” complain that students who buy this product will spend so much time and money on virtual food, they’ll forget in their own kitchen is only Top Ramen and Kool-Aid. And finally there is Nintendo’s Top Secret project, tentatively called “Wii Couch.” In this game, players will get to create their own character that will play video games, virtually cook and workout. Then the character will get a chance to just chill and watch TV. The player will be immersed in the stunning detail and super-realism of the character on the couch as he laughs, sleeps, eats nachos, scratches, searches YouTube and more. When asked about this exciting and genre-defining platform, creator Honda-Kia Suzukisan said this game will be more realistic than life itself. Pre-orders are already sold out.